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from AM I OK? by Joshua Bryant

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about

I'll try not to make this one too long. I was in a dark place when I made a lot of the instrumentals for this album. It was right after Covid began, and I was making music almost everyday. The chorus I originally had come up with was basically a goodbye letter to this world, through the concept of leaving on a long vacation....a bit of a Dear John to all the stuff that was going on.

After everything that went down with my health the Summer of 2021, I realized how much of an opposite feeling I had now, and this song starting taking that original idea and flipping it on its head.

This really became about the relationship between the ghost and the machine; my spirit/brain/voice guiding the ship and the impact its decisions had on the machine (my body).

The chorus was a result of me staring at my body in the mirror after the surgery, having an ileostomy, having a port for chemo, and the scars. There was some trauma there, physically and mentally. But, I wanted to come back home and start over with myself. The first verse is the ghost realizing it was a bit abusive, without recognizing it until it was so extreme.

The second verse is about the reaction I had on my chemo. I was on a very aggressive type of it. I had a serious reaction on my second round, while at home, and I thought I was dying on my bathroom floor. The ghost realized it is powerless without the machine. Therein lies the dynamic of the relationship.

lyrics

After all this time
We can't say it's how we thought that it would be
Here we are face to face
Suffered scars on the way
Back home to seek starting brand new

I never meant to hurt you
Despite all that I've done
Circumstances could've been different
There's no going back
The funny thing is
I thought I didn't need to treat you well
My bags were packed. I was ready to run
I couldn't walk away

It only took a moment
For you to bring me to my knees
Beads of sweat loss of breath
I bowed down to you
You gave me no choice
Sometimes it's hard to look at you
The shame and guilt, disbelief
I know it's not your fault

credits

from AM I OK?, released February 17, 2023

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Joshua Bryant Richmond, Virginia

Musician. Father. Husband. Survivor. VCU School of Music alumni. Sometimes I still make music. I was in bands.

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